Finally, I stopped thinking about...

It just hit me the other day. I’d gone several days and had tried to put together a to-do list for when I get back. I hadn’t tried to think about what part of my job description it would be best to pick back up and what I shouldn’t. I hadn’t thought about sermons, computers, what’s happening while I’m gone, problems over the last two years, future worries, lack of land, plans for discipleship, strategy…OK, I’ll stop my list, but you get the idea of what’s been going through my head over the last 5 weeks. It’s not that I haven’t rested…I have in a huge way, but it’s been incredibly difficult for me to not think about when I have to re-engage.

Part of the problem is that there’s always a few things left unresolved when you leave, so your brain goes to them. But, honestly, much of the problem is that I haven’t been faithful in Biblically disengaging as God prescribed, so it’s taken longer. I’ll confess, I was over-tired, and empty when we started our time. I don’t know if my tanks are full, but I do know that the things that drained me…aren’t draining me like they were the first few weeks. They aren’t even an involuntary thought. I have to WORK to make myself think about them.

Meanwhile the Holy Spirit has been re-forming my values, dreams, priorities, desires, and ego. I know I won’t be able to say that I’ll come back changed. I’m far too slow of a learner and changer for that. I have a long history of thinking I’m changed and then changing back in the blink of an eye. And, when I am back in the thick of things, who knows what will happen? He forms me there as well. ☺

I love my God. He is faithful. He is True. He is working on me despite my sin and ragged edges. He has blessed me far beyond what I should have been. I don’t know why. There are others He loves who I think deserve so much more.

I don’t know much, but this I do know.
• He has shed His blood to transform me completely.
• He has given me a family to lovingly pursue Him with together.
• He has called me to be part of His work and my dreams of success and ego mixed with a misunderstanding of my priorities are the most poisonous things to Him being able to use me.